Graduate Employment column Feb 07

Good news for graduates this week. Yup, good news indeed. Female graduates can expect only a 17% gap in pay between them and their male colleagues, as oppose to the 38.4% gap experienced by women in the part time sector. Apparently there are still employers who think men are the only ones who can handle the complexities of Microsoft Word.

Put the champagne on ice! Graduation approaches! As if the prospect of sitting in an office listening to the drone of fluorescent strip lighting for the next ten years wasn’t bad enough, you get to sleep uneasy in the knowledge that the prick sitting opposite you with a rumpled suit and greasy hair is getting paid several thousand more to type the same drivel. He probably spent his degree scratching his bum and walking around town in the middle of winter with a tank top on, but his gender will give him the advantage in employment despite his dismal grades.

When I think of some of the complete and utter prats I went to school with being paid more than me for doing the same job I want to run to their prospective employers and pummel them in the face. “You can’t pay more than me”, I yell, “He used to write ‘ is a slag’ and ‘so and so has big tits’ on the desks! And he got his dick caught in his flies in Year 11. I’m clearly more competent than him!”

Just in case the gentlemen were sighing with relief at having the upper hand, although I wouldn’t call being the brunt of my wrath having the upper hand, be warned. Monday’s Guardian points out that in 1995 71.1% of jobs were held by graduates, compared with just 53.5% today. So it’s not just us women who are wasting our time here. Apparently we could have saved fifteen grand, not met so many idiots and still got the same job at the end of it. Congratulations. It reminds me of the time my partner went on his mate’s stag weekend. “Did you have a nice time?” I asked, eyeing his sunken eyes and weary expression. “Well, I could have set fire to my wallet before throwing myself down the stairs and would have come out with the same experience.” Sometimes the outcome does not do justice to the journey.

I suppose when you weigh three years of lie-ins, Pitza Canos and twenty five pence newspapers against full-price rail fares, rush-hour commuting and tedious office chit-chat, being a student wins hands down. My experiences with employment have so far not endeared me to the world of tax paying. I spent one summer working in a warehouse with a guy whose idea of stimulating conversation was to fantasise about spending an evening tossing off in front of Top Gear and eating kebabs...I worked in a garden centre with a bloke who gave me a knife and one of those Bondage Bears for Christmas. Not only was I fifteen, I was highly disturbed. He once took great pleasure in telling me about an episode of Fear Factor in which a woman had to eat a bull’s testicles. His eyes shone like new coins as he told the story… I went for an interview at a Thai restaurant near my parents’ old house. The woman offered me the job as soon as I came through the door, but after she sat me down and stroked my hair for ten minutes while telling me I was “pretty, pretty girl”, I decided it was not the place for me… My friend, a postman, got attacked and bitten by an Alsatian the other day. As if being attacked by a dog while at work was not grating enough, it was only an inch clear of his crown jewels... One of my housemates also partook in the joy of temping a few summers ago. His days were spent throwing rotting meat into a giant bin because the temperature of the fridge had sunk by one degree…

…In a nutshell, the world outside Leeds University is frightening.