The Seven Deadly Sins. A topic frequently alluded to in crosswords, pub quizzes and the Bible, but what does it all mean? Surely in 2006 there is not a day that goes by in which people are not committing one, if not many, of these cardinal vices? Bearing in mind all the sins have serious punishments in the afterlife, I sat down at my computer to try and get to the bottom of this question: How often do I stand on the precipice between heaven and hell?
Lust (Punishment: Smothered in Fire and Brimstone). This is probably the sin I commit the most. My boyfriend lives 400 miles away, so my nights are plagued with visions of my carnal desires. If lust is brought down to its most basic, it is simply the desire for pleasures of the flesh and overindulgence in these acts. A lot of people commit this more than once a day, whether it is when they are bump’n’grindin’ in Fruity or while sitting in a lecture theatre, sweating and panting at the thought of disrobing sexy Dr Whoever in RSLT2. Of all the sins that should be scrapped, I would say that this one deserves it the most because, let us be frank, pleasures of the flesh are exceptionally fun.
Anger (Dismembered alive). I cannot really see how anyone could avoid anger on a regular basis. Reading the newspaper, even this newspaper, can make you want to bang your head against a brick wall just so you forget how idiotic this world is. I get angry when someone does a crap in the morning and our stupid broken toilet refuses to flush it down, choosing instead to taunt me mockingly as I stand with hand over mouth poking it with a toilet brush. I get angry when people say “politics don’t really affect me”. In fact, when people say that, I want to tear them limb from limb and gorge on their entrails. Satan welcomes me.
Envy (Placed in freezing water). Even the most confident people suffer from this sin because, all though this may be hard to accept, no one is good at everything. Whether you wish you could get away with doing no work like so and so in your seminars, or if you crave the oblivious happiness you perceive in someone else, there is no escaping the green eyed monster. Anyone who says they do not get jealous is LYING. Hang on, why is lying not a deadly sin?
Sloth (Thrown in snake pits). Instead of commenting on this topic seriously, I provide you with meaningless words. Sundays. Hollyoaks omnibus. Hangover. Greasy fry up. House pants. Duvet. Winter.
Pride (Broken on the wheel). Although I understand that excessive pride is annoying, I do not think it is hell-worthy to take pride in your intelligence, gender and achievements. Maintaining a smidgen of pride will inevitably prevent you from stripping naked, jumping into the fountain by the sports hall and appearing in BBC binge drinking footage.
Gluttony (Forced to eat rats, toads and snakes). Ok, so the world is going to run out of food and I really wish that was not the case because food is bloody amazing. The existence of
Greed (Put in pots of boiling oil). This is the most unattractive sin, anyone who has seen Ben Jonson’s Volpone would agree with that. Excuse me for being so highbrow, I meant anyone who has seen Neighbours will know the pains of this sin. Let us do a case study of Paul Robinson. The man is trying to bribe the police because of his avarice. He believes he can buy anything or anyone. The destructiveness of this sin is the reason we have cosmetics corporations testing on animals to make more money then their competitors. It is why fast food chains ignore the health hazards of the foods they flog to masses, with marketing targeted at children.
In conclusion, if hell existed, which is does not because religion is silly, we would all be there. Join the party.
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